Obstinately Pursuing

I think it's about time that I pulled myself out of my self-pitying stupor! With work, illness and the anniversary of my mum's death hanging over me like a black cloud for the last few weeks I've been feeling tired, uncreative and more than a little bit 'bleh'.

Everytime that I've sat down to write something, it hasn't felt right; hasn't felt good enough. On my own blog. I'm not good enough for my own damn blog! And yet, I began this blog as an outlet - as somewhere to speak my own mind; as somewhere to be myself; and be braver with words than I am in real life.

I need to remember that I began this blog to obstinately pursue* my own individuality, happiness and dreams.

I'm also craving a little bit of a fresh start. So maybe, just maybe you'll be seeing some changes around here over the next few weeks. A new, fresh look and, shocking though this may be, some actual blogposts.

* It was so tempting to complete that sentence with "...to obstinately pursue where no-one has obstinately pursued before." So, so tempting.

Goodbye August....

....the month that I forgot all about blogging. There is a myriad of reasons for my absence - not including the broken - but now fixed - laptop and the craft room overhaul - which I haven't been able to use as much as I would have liked!

I started the month with a shift from part-time hours at work to full-time hours, a slightly new role and lots of travelling around the city. Add to that a (un)healthy dose of viral infection complete with dizziness and fainting incidents, studying for a NVQ and an increasingly large pile of ironing - which, let's face it, makes anyone ill at the best of times - and you'll perhaps understand why blogging might have been the last thing on my mind.

So, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. September has always been a month of new beginnings for me - and, as well as settling down to some serious beading - I'm hoping to try and keep up with two new projects. Learn Something New Every Day from the lovely Shimelle and Stashbusting September from the awesome T-Shirt Diaries, both of which kick off tomorrow - bugger the ironing!!!

PS. I must say a really big thank you to everyone who has left comments or e-mailed to check up on me while I've been away from the blog. Your thoughts and kindness have been a real boost. Love to you all!

Finding Your Style, Finding Yourself {Fashion Forward}

It occured to me last week, that even when we had only just started Fashion Forward, I never really explained why I wanted to start a meme that was focused on fashion - not even when I first, tentatively, mentioned the idea to my wonderful co-host Katherine.

In my mid-twenties, I was a happy and healthy person, full of energy and enthusiasm for life - and, more importantly, full of confidence. I had a job that I liked, I was fit and healthy and, despite a few hang-ups (we all have them) I was happy with myself and my body.

A few years, and an unfortunate series of events, later found me working in a job that I didn't like, with no energy left for life (let alone exercise) and I had gained enough weight that I felt both unattractive and unhealthy. I had lost my self confidence and, perhaps more importantly, my sense of self.

I left my job and thought things would improve, but in reality I spent my days feeling sorry for myself, slobbing around the house in jogging pants and over-sized t-shirts and I felt disgusting. Then, one day, when I was meeting an old friend, I had to make a bit more of an effort. I took the time to have a nice bath, blow-dry my hair, do my make up and pick out an nice outfit. I looked okay, not wonderful granted, but I felt so much better about myself - so much more me - and I was reminded of the link between looking good and feeling good.

Miss Modest (16/50) by OPCreative

Items in this set: Ted Baker Silk Mix Big Bow Dress; Marni Suede Platforms with Bow and Jewel Detail; Marni Fabric Frame Clutch; Raso - Kiss-Lock Evening Clutch - Francesco Biasia; Alexis Bittar 'Silver Dust' Skinny Tapered Bangle.

But, somedays, it felt like so much effort and I realised that I needed a reason to start taking more of an interest again - in clothes, in make up, in myself - and the idea for Fashion Forward was born. When I approached Katherine with the idea of co-hosting, I honestly thought she might laugh at the idea of me being fashionable (let's face it, she's so cool!) and she has my undying gratitude for being so supportive of the idea. Since then, I have developed an unparalleled love of Brian Atwood shoes and an unhealthy obsession with creating sets in Polyvore. I have re-discovered my love of fashion and my sense of style. And I have made some wonderful friends!

So, as Fashion Forward moves into 2010, I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has participated and everyone who takes the time to visit each week. We may not have taken the world by storm with our little meme, but you have helped me to start changing my life for the better and I am very, very grateful.

If you're playing along this week, please pop a link in the box below so that everyone can come by and 'oooh and ahhh' and, if you're a Fashion Forward newbie, you can find the guidelines over on Katherine's lovely blog.

Today I Am In Deep Detox

My head is pounding rhythmically; I have slept for the majority of a perfectly sunny day and most of my mental functions have shut down in protest at having to operate in tea-free conditions.

I should explain that there is not a (normal) day which passes without tea. I love tea. I would rather drink tea than water, cordials and alcohol. Tea is my first; my last; my always. Tea is my drug of choice and without it life is starting to feel a little bleak.

I am hoping that once the withdrawal clears that I will have bright eyes; clear skin and more energy. I am hoping that once the withdrawal clears I will feel stronger and more committed to a detox diet and an energising exercise plan. I am hoping that once the withdrawal clears I will emerge from my self-imposed cocoon looking like two-stone lighter version of myself (though I have the perfectly horrid feeling that it might take a while to reach that point!)

Yesterday I Was Trying So Hard Not To Cry...

...but today, I feel fine. Isn't Keri Noble awesome? There's never an angsty day when her lyrics don't speak to me somehow. I'm feeling a little less, um, fragile today but since I had another of Keri's tunes rolling around in my head yesterday, I'd like to share. You may have heard the Kelly Clarkson version, but I prefer the original.

I'm Not Running Away Anymore

There have been a lot of things that I've wanted to write over the past few days; lots of thoughts going around and around in my head - believe me, I will eventually get them all out, but I generally like to let things stew for a while. I like to make sure that what I'm saying is exactly what I want to say.

I've had the idea for this layout for a while now, but wasn't quite sure how I wanted it to look. I finally managed to pin it down this week. Halfway through doing it, I realised that it fit very well with this week's challenge on UKScrappers and with the current challenge on Work Your Soul Happy days!

I Have To Try

So, I've been thinking a lot recently. I've been thinking about the person that I used to be; the person that I am; and the person that I want to be. It's all very confusing.

I used to be the kind of person who spoke my mind and stood up for what I believed in; I used to be the kind of person who cherished my individuality; I used to be the kind of person who thought that following my heart was an infinitely better option than following the crowd.

I know that I am not that person any more. I have no idea when I became someone else. I have no idea if I can become the person that I want to be. What I do know is that I have to try.

Obstinate Pursuit

My great mistake, the fault for which I can't forgive myself, is that one day I ceased my obstinate pursuit of my own individuality.

~Oscar Wilde~